I found out yesterday night that my perants have sold the house. to a cash buyer who they know so I have to be out by January 30th.
a month to move out, I thought I would have atleast 3 months notice cos thats how long it normally takes the paperwork to go through when someones brought a house. So I have NO money at all, and I'll only get one paycheck before febuary of a tiny £660 but I'm doing 12 hours overtime next week so that should bring it up a bit.
God i dont know what to do. everything seems so real. everythings happening at the same time. I need to hear back from my uni's to know what area i need to move to and that wont happen till after easter!
I have to actually find a place that i can afford. and thats big enough for me to have a table (or something) that i can do my artwork on.
I have to pay rent and bills. It's all confused in my head, i can't think anymore. it's to much.

Joe's definatly not moving out with me. he doesn't even like spending 2 days away from her, but it's not like he isn't going to visit them everyday! all he has to do is sleep at a differnt place. Atleast he has a fucking faimly.
I need someone to talk to who won't get angery or upset with me, someone just to listen and help. I cant talk to Joe cos all he does is get angery. and I have no friends. I have noone. Im so alone. I can't take this empty house anymore.

I think theres something wrong with my body, I keep getting really dizzy and my head feels like it's in clamp, I've been getting my pains across my heart again except there worse then they've ever been before. and it's been spreading to the whole right side of my body. They're not heart attacks cos they dont go down my arm. I hurt from head to toe and it feels like my muscles are just siezing up. and of course the usual not being able to concentrate, unfoucsed eye sight. But Im eatting, alot. so it cant be that. maybe i should google stress or exuastion or something, i dunno.

I was going to post this in RYL but I shouldnt waste they're time.
Working 9 till 6 tomorow i have to cycle there and back again.
going to brighton with Joe and his mum tuesday.
Working wednesday 6 till 10
Thursday I have to get the train up to see my 'faimly' and train back again, which takes 3-4 hours.
Working friday 6:30 till 10:30.
working saturday 9-6
sunday I get to wake up alone on chrsitmas, but atleast i dont have to work like i normally do on a sunday.

I have to try and find some were to live
I have to draw a story bourd with camera angles, lighting etc etc
I have to write a 2000 word essay on a question i know nothing about.
I have to finsh off my last project which i did 3 days out of 2 weeks cos I had to do my UCAS.

I have money which is anoying me beacuse Joe wants another controler for his Xbox. my phone charger broke so i dont have a phone anymore i have to buy bus+train tickets. and I still have to get my granny a christmas present. and vicky and sarah are gonna expect me to bring them something up on thursday even though ive already given them their present.

Im sitting alone again. in this cold house cos of the draft. alone. then i move out and im going to be alone. Im so lonely, even when Joes here I still cant talk to him beacuse all his does is get upset or angery. I have no one to talk to and im not the best company.

I hate myself so much. If I had been happy, if i hadn't gotton depressed if i hadn't disapointed every single person i came into contact with then I wouldn't be sitting here cold and alone.

I need to bleed. I need to be punished for what ive done. and sometimes when im laying in bed I need to bleed to feel like im real, This all keeps jumping from not being real and me feeling numb to it all being to real and me hurting so badly. I dont know which is worse. my nightmares have come back of cuts, suicide, ana, theres always so much blood and blackness. not that i sleep much anyway. I'm ether to hot or to cold, my whole body hurts so badly i stay still for more then a few minates or Im terffied someones broken in downstairs but i keep saying over and over that it's just next door, it's just next door but my brain won't believe me. and just good old depression playing it's part. I dont want to get back into the pattern of staying awake till 5am just so Im so tired that I might fall asleep with no nightmares and that I would get over the pain of laying down.

I don't want to go on Thursday, I can't play happy faimlys beacuse i know it's all a fucked up lie to keep my grandad from finding out about his cheating bastead of a son.
Im going to have to listen to nanny going on and on about how i should be nice to dad and how much better hes doing now. and dads gonna keep going on at me about me living off his money when i was a child. and how i shouldnt work so hard and i should eat properly cos look were it got him, oh poor you. I'VE FUCKING BEEN THERE!!! everyone seems to have forgtton that i've lived through it already and I didnt have any help and i didnt have anyone feeling sorry for me so why the FUCK should i feel sorry for you when you broken the tinyest bit of trust I had in you when you slept with that bitch. You lost the small amount of respect that was left when You did that. then you went back on everything You've ever told me was wrong, you started smoking, you started drinking, you started starving. I hated you before but now there isn't a word for what i feel when i think of you. You taought me not to cry or talk when things hurt so i keep everything in until I feel like im going to explode. I was always a diasapointment, I could do nothing right by you. I carryed on at 6th form and college but non of that was good enough for you. so i got a Job but that wasn't good enough. You never hugged me when i was little, you must have really hated me. Beacuse I was the mistake I was never ment to happen. I was the reason you had to find somewere to live. I was the reason you had to work so hard. I was the reason you had no life. I was the reason you got depressed. I as the reason you did all this. I could never make this all up to you, i could never be good enough. You've got your revenge now. You've taken away everything I've ever known, you've taken my faimly, you've taken my home, you've took my will to live a long time ago. but i still try to make you happy, I still try to make you proud, to not be the dissapointment ive always been.

Now i feel sick from holding back the tears, like you taught me.

I need someone, here, with me, so i would never have to be alone again. so i would never be scared again. but that can never happen.

I need the starve. I need to have some control over this., I need to be punished. I need to feel. maybe if I can low enough they'll make me a in patant. then i wouldnt have to live in this world. a BMI of 10, 9, 8... 0. I cant have this disgusting, imperfect FAT all over me. how did i ever let myself get this bad?

Im so tired of everything.